Tuesday 24 March 2015

Video: Obama urges Nigerians to shun election violence

This is President Barack Obama's video message to Nigerians on the forthcoming general elections

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Thursday 12 March 2015

ARE WE CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD? MUSILIU OBANIKORO: AN INDICTEE MINISTER by Itunu Akorede



I am always willing to say the truth, no matter how difficult it will end up to be, or how painful it is. I read from the day's news about the endorsement of Musiliu Obanikoro as a MINISTER of the federal republic of Nigeria. It's sad that someone whom people call a thief is dancing with a kid (Omo eran) of a goat in the public. I believe that when people see you as a gluttonous character, the best thing to do is to learn to say no to some meals. Jonathan, people say you don't know anything and you are showing that you really know next to nothing.

The situation that led to the screening and endorsement of Musiliu Obanikoro as minister of the federal republic of Nigeria remains one of the most tragic and embarrassing events in the history of the current administration. The personality of Obanikoro has been tainted with some yet to be proven and determined rumor of electoral malpractices in Ekiti State, yet president Goodluck Jonathan pressured the Senate to make him scale through. I have lost the little respect I had for the Senate president. I ask would he have screened Obanikoro by telling him to take a bow if Koro was from APC or what would have happened if Mark was from APC and Obanikoro from PDP? This is another height of disregard for the criminal justice system of Nigeria. How do we think as a people? I think we as citizens of Nigeria should start requesting the CERTIFICATE OF MENTAL HEALTH from everyone contesting any election. I get scared about some decisions made by these political office holders.

I have always posited that Nigeria has no single man of honor as politician. And if there ever existed one or some they are no more. This reminds me of a saying that the beautiful ones are not yet born while the ugly ones refused to die. If Obanikoro ever heard what honor is, it must have been through his teachers in the secondary school or maybe he read in the dictionary. One would have expected a right thinking man of honor and dignity to say I am standing down and quitting the political scene until the findings of the panel of enquiry into the allegations is made public. That's what men and women who have self-esteem and dignity to protect will say. But because of the corruption-riddled and lawless society that we belong in, honesty and dignity are things you come across only in the dictionary. But really, I am most suprised at the silly step of protest taken by the opposition senators. I feel they should have stampeded the process of the screening through any means possible. It's nothing new to the world that our paliamentarians do throw punches and jump over the fence to gain access to the national assembly complex, but now that it's necessary for them to stay, they walked out.

The picture the political class keeps painting about the country is outrageous and inimical. I have had the opportunity of talking to some of these senators and political leaders in Nigeria, I have seen that some of them don't really mind if the country collapses or survives. The issue of attention is why must Goodluck Jonathan be much bent on presenting an indicted person under investigation of electoral fraud, even if it comes out to be a false allegation. I think this guy doesn't think. I'm not one of the young Nigerians clamouring for a Buhari or a Goodluck presidency. I am most concerned with the prevalence of sanity at every level.

Goodluck is really confused. Just pray for a sound mind for him so that he doesn't put the country into future shame. Make sure he doesn't promise to make Fryo that was accused of killing Bola Ige because he will fulfill his promise to him.

Are our leaders really or actually created by the same God who created the likes of Ghandi,Bill Clinton, Theodore Roosevelt, Wiston Churchill, even Thabo Mbeki of the Republic of South Africa?
God help Nigeria and the leadership of the country. 

Itunu Akorede
Dallas Texas
11/03/2015
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Why David Mark is more dangerous than Abubakar Shekau













Impunity! Grand corruption! Criminal arrogance! These are some of the issues many Nigerians have against the current administration. And yet again, the government insulted Nigerians yesterday with the confirmation of Musiliu Obanikoro as minister. And the main culprit in the latest saga is the president of the Nigerian Senate, David Mark. He has always appeared to be a moderating influence between those who are opposed to the president and the president's camp but he has now been revealed for who he is: a patronising politician who does not care about the interest of the nation as long as his own interests are catered for. And I have come to the conclusion that he is more dangerous than Abubakar Shekau, leader of the evil terrorist group, Boko Haram.



Why will the president of Nigeria's highest lawmaking body be insistent on confirming the appointment of someone who has been alleged to have committed a criminal act? And what was the senate president's excuse? That he had not seen any court papers stating that the nominee had been taken to court. So what will now happen if he gets served with the court papers? Will he ask the senate to rescind its decision? And in the unlikely event that the senate rescinds Obanikoro's confirmation, how will that make our senate look in the eyes of the people when the senate could have waited for the whole thing to be cleared? The truth is that he doesn't care! And what is the rush all about. The tenure of the current administration ends in less than three months. With the forthcoming elections, the new ministers cannot begin serious government work until elections are concluded, leaving them with just two months to be in office if the incumbent president loses in the presidential election. Will the people not be right to think that these new ministers are to be used as hatchet men/women in the coming elections? Watching the news of the confirmation, you come away with the feeling that Obanikoro was arrogant and did not care a hoot that his nomination was controversial. A self-respecting individual would have voluntarily rejected the nomination.

My reason for claiming that Mark is more dangerous than Shekau is simple: Shekau has never hidden the fact that he is an outlaw. So we know how to place him. He is a known criminal, and with a well-equipped and motivated army, he and his cohorts can be defeated by government. But what about about someone who has sworn to uphold the law, and in fact is part of those who make the law, but is now the one not respecting the opinions of others? David Mark's actions have set a bad precedent in the Senate and if he is setting a wrong record, what does the future hold for us? If his claim was that there is the tradition of allowing ex-lawmakers to just take a bow and go, what about the tradition that if the senators representing your state oppose your nomination you can't be confirmed? With David Mark forcing his way through in the senate, I will need a lot of convincing that he did not know about the criminal acts Obanikoro and others have been accused of. I also have to be convinced that he didn't have a prior knowledge that attempts would be made to prevent the Speaker of the House of Representatives from entering the National Assembly premises the other day because he was allowed free entry.

On the outside, the senate president looks like a true democrat but he has shown he is not. And people like that are a threat to democracy. Anyone whose actions can subvert the will of the people is a threat to democracy and is dangerous. Any lawmaker who does not think an unimpeachable character is necessary for a leadership position is dangerous, since everything in any organisation or nation rises and falls on leadership. When you give a nation a leader of questionable character, what do you expect from that leader? And I am persuaded that someone who does not mind giving a nation leaders with unassailable integrity does not mean well for the nation. Most times, it is bad leaders who make people like Mohammed Yusuf and Abubakar Shekau to wake up and start troubling a nation when they see how their leaders are exhibiting impunity of the highest kind.





The questions many Nigerians are asking are "what have we done to make us deserve the kind of leaders we get?" With the vast potentials this country is blessed with, are our current crop of leaders the best we can get? Or how do you explain how a person with the moral burden of election rigging on his neck get nominated for ministerial position not to talk of having his nomination confirmed? In the United States, former secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is currently taking serious flak for using her private email to conduct official business while in office. While what she did was not against the law as at that time, she is still being criticised for her action. She has been accused of not being transparent enough in her dealings. And some are already suggesting that it might hurt her chances of becoming the next president of the United States. I'm sure many Nigerian politicians cannot relate to a situation like that. They cannot understand why a government official can't drive an official car to the market to buy personal items. Mrs Clinton's sin, to many Americans, is that she appears to have wanted to hide something. She has not been alleged to have run foul of the law but her chances of clinching the exalted seat of the president are believed to have been hurt by the ongoing outcry. But here in Nigeria, people who have been accused of wrongdoing are elevated to high positions. Isn't that one of the reasons why Chief Olusegun Obasanjo left the Peoples Democratic Party? May God deliver us from insensitive leaders in Nigeria.

Below are some of the tweets that trailed the news of the Obanikoro's confirmation:
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Tuesday 10 March 2015

Tinubu's presence at OBJ's birthday party, a reflection of Nigeria's peculiar type of politics


Asiwaju Ahmed Bola Tinubu was present at the recent birthday celebration of Chief Olusegun Obasanjo (OBJ) who clocked 78 years. Part of the celebration was a football match in which OBJ was reported to have scored two goals. I wonder then, why some people are saying that at 72 General Muhammadu Buhari lacks the physical strength to rule the nation. 


But that is not the thrust of this piece. What fascinated me about the whole birthday celebration was the way Tinubu showered glowing praise on OBJ at a party organised to mark the day. I was wondering if it was really Tinubu that was talking, going by the frosty relationship that was believed to have existed between the duo some years ago, especially when one was the president of Nigeria and the other the governor of Lagos. This made me to conclude that Nigeria's kind of politics is peculiar.Who would have expected Tinubu and his troops to grace a party in honour of OBJ? Or who could ever think that OBJ will endorse the candidature of a Buhari who contested against him at one point and against his party's candidates on two other occasions? But that is the Nigerian political landscape for you where everything is unpredictable. And so, I decided to come up with some of my reasons for asserting that Nigeria's politics is peculiar and indeed intriguing.
  • Governors Olagunsoye Oyinlola, Rauf Aregbesola, Segun Oni and Kayode Fayemi are now in the same party. Oyinlola and Aregbesola on the one hand, and Oni and Fayemi on the other hand used to be bitter foes.(Though anytime I see Segun Oni in the All Progressives Congress' (APC's) fold, I usually think he has come to his ilk. I really think he is not cut out for the People's Democratic Party (PDP)).
  • Chief Olusegun Obasanjo publicly tore his membership card of the party that brought him to power for eight years, and of which he used to be the Chairman Board of Trustees (at a time he was made the life chairman of the BOT before the regulation was changed.)
  • Governors can have their planes grounded and their entourage prevented from travelling for belonging to the opposition. Ask Governors Rotimi Amaechi and Adams Oshiomole.
  • The Speaker of the House of Representatives, the number four citizen of the nation, was stopped by armed policemen from entering into the House Chambers to preside over proceedings of the House.
  • Numbers have continually been proven to have no meaning. Federal might has always conferred majority status on those it is backing. That is why 16 is more than 19 in Nigeria. That is why seven members of Ekiti State House of Assembly can gain control of the House and impeach the speaker who had 18 members on his side.
  • A recording purported to reveal how the last gubernatorial election in Ekiti State was rigged came to public notice and nothing has been done about it. In fact, one of those allegedly involved in the act was nominated for ministerial appointment by the president.
  • Reuben Abati, the president's spokesman, used to be one of his harshest critics but he is now the administrations' number one defender.
  • Mallam Ibrahim Shekarau who was governor of Kano State for two terms on the platform of the All Nigeria's Peoples Party (ANPP) is now a member of PDP and a minister in the current PDP government while Mallam Rabiu Musa Kwankwanso who also was elected twice as governor of Kano State (He is the current governor of the state) on the platform of PDP is now in APC, a party that was formed by ANPP and other parties.
  • Political thugs assaulted High Court judges presiding over political cases in Ekiti State and the perpetrators of the reprehensible acts are walking free.
  • Militants are given official recognition and saddled with the responsiblity of the armed forces. These militants also go around campaigning for and with the president.
My conclusion is that our brand of politics must be giving political scientists a serious headache in the attempt to classify it. May God help us in Nigeria. My prayer is that the forthcoming elections will be peaceful in Jesus' Name. A resounding "amen" please.
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Monday 9 March 2015

Top 10 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter

This will be the last post on sex for now. I hope to reproduce some posts I saw on how to talk to kids about sex soon. This post is by Sheila Gregoire of tolovehonorandvacuum.com.

I write about sex a lot on this marriage blog, trying to say things that are helpful and uplifting to encourage you to have a great sex life with your husband!

But every now and then there are things that I just want to get off my chest. And when J from Hot, Holy and Humorous wrote the post “8 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter“, and issued the challenge for others of us to write a similar one, I knew I had to accept!

So here we go:
1. Why in the world weren’t we created with a “sexual memory”?

I know what it’s like to eat double chocolate Oreo cheesecake. And it really doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or how full I am, if you offered me some double chocolate Oreo cheesecake, I would take it in an instant. That stuff’s awesome!
But you know what’s better? Great sex. And yet somehow I seem to forget that–and it doesn’t always seem worth the effort.Why can’t I have a cheesecake memory about sex? It would make life so much easier!
2. Sometimes we just want to give you a gift. Take the gift.

But I don’t have that cheesecake memory, and sometimes I just know that I’m not going to be able to concentrate enough to really enjoy myself tonight. After all, if a woman can’t concentrate solely on sex, then her body won’t kick in, because our sex drives are primarily in our heads. Some nights there is just too much rattling around in my brain for me to have a really good time.
And that’s okay with me, because sometimes I just want to give my husband a gift. And men, here’s what you’ve got to understand: on the nights when your wife is just making love “for you”, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with the marriage (in fact, there’s something right, because she’s trying to do something nice for you!) It likely just meas she has a lot on her mind.
If it happens all the time, by all means talk to her about it and work on how you can make sex great for her.
But on those nights when it just ain’t happening for her, take the gift she’s trying to give you. Just take it. Don’t try to analyze her or make her feel great–it will just frustrate her. Take the gift. It’s not that hard.
3. I really wish I weren’t such a multitasker

Multitasking works great during the day–when I’m talking on the phone while unloading the dishwasher, for instance. But I can’t seem to switch it OFF, and it drives me nuts. When I’m having sex, I want to HAVE SEX–not plan a grocery list. But I’ll be lying there having a good time when I’ll suddenly think–“is there milk in the fridge?” And then I panic and think, “Oh, man, what else do I need to pick up? And when am I going to get there?” I didn’t mean to think about milk. But it came in there and then my mind wandered and now my body has shut off.
I hate multitasking. Grrr. I really wish sex didn’t always require so much concentration!
4. You’re never going to like sex if you tell yourself all that negative stuff about it.

Sometimes the earth is not going to move for us. Some nights we really are going to want him to get it over with, and that’s okay if it’s just sometimes. But if it’s all the time, it’s likely at least partly because of the messages you’re giving yourself about sex.
Stop telling yourself all these negative things about sex! If you’re hopeless and talk about how awful it is and always think about how awful it is and always think about how you have no libido and you just want to be left alone and you’re just so, so tired, then it never WILL feel great.
The only way your libido will kick in is if you start telling yourself positive things about sex. And that’s not your husband’s fault if you aren’t. I know we all have roadblocks: maybe sex hurts or you’ve grown up with sexual abuse or you’re dealing with sexual baggage, and that’s okay. Work on those issues. But you’re never, ever going to get to the other side unless you start making yourself think differently.
God made sex. He made you to feel great! He wants you to feel great. He made it to be really intimate and to bind you two together. He wants you to relax. He wants you to sleep better. He wants you in ecstasy. Don’t you want that for yourself? So start talking UP sex instead of talking sex DOWN.
5. Women, what are you thinking if you never have sex with your husbands?

So many men comment on this blog who can count on two hands the number of times they’ve had sex with their wives in the last few years. That’s YEARS.
What makes you think that sex is something that is optional in a marriage? That if you’re tired or run down with kids, that you can just say “no sex tonight–or ever?” Sex is a key part of marriage, and if you’re constantly denying your husband, you’ve got issues.
Sex can be so great, and if it’s not for you, it could very well be because of the messages you’re giving yourself about sex, your husband, and your marriage. Try focusing on the positive aspects of sex and just jump back in! And stop being ridiculous.
6. I wouldn’t sleep with you, either.

At the same time, guys, seriously, do you ever listen to yourself? Yesterday on my Facebook Page Kevin Thompson shared his post “I wouldn’t sleep with you, either“, and I loved it! So spot on.
Many husbands in sexless marriages did very little to deserve their sexless state, as far as I can tell, and so I am not speaking to them. But I’ve had literally dozens of men comment in the last few days on various posts (I’ve had a launch from some manosphere site, I guess), and reading their comments, I can totally see why their wives don’t sleep with them.
Look, guys, if you spend your whole life yelling about how women need to submit, how they can never deny their husbands even if their husbands use porn, how women are supposed to keep silent and not confront their husbands on sin, and how women are to respect their husbands absolutely, do you have any idea how totally creepy you sound? Oh, and when you say that God gave the men the sex drives they have, and so every man is going to check out other women, it’s natural–just ICK. Seriously ICK. Be a man. Treat your wife with dignity.
Stop with the porn. Stop watching Game of Thrones. Cherish your wife. Listen to her opinion. Stop checking out other women. Stop being a boor.
7. Take care of your body

We’re not allowed to say that because it may shame people. And you can have great sex no matter what size you are (in fact, there’s really good research to show that people who are about 20 pounds overweight have the best sex–and people who are underweight have the worst).
And sex is more than physical–it’s also emotional and spiritual, and so we should never let our world’s idea of beauty make us into nervous wrecks who feel so badly about bodies we’re embarrassed to have sex.
I agree with all of that.
But I also think that we’re so scared of shaming women that we’ve stopped talking about how important it is to take care of ourselves and to look nice. The pride that we take in ourselves reflects how we feel about ourselves, and that plays a large role in our sexuality. So just put in some effort, ladies!
Men are visual creatures, and you’re the only woman he’s supposed to look at. So be nice to look at! Stop wearing baggy T-shirts. Stop eating food that isn’t good for you. Treat your body well. Yes, your true beauty is your inner beauty, absolutely. But it doesn’t take that much effort to make your outer self match your inner self. Just pick up a brush. Get a great haircut. Learn to apply some mascara and lipgloss. Fight the frump!
8. My wedding night was awful. Most people’s wedding nights are.

Good Girls Guide My SiteWe talk UP the wedding night way too much. You know what’s wrong with the wedding night? It follows The Wedding Day–the longest day of your life. I think we’d all do so much better if we stopped telling young people “just wait for the wedding night”, and started telling them, “just wait until you can take a year or two discovering each other after you’re married.” When I did my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that about 80% of people had awful wedding nights, if you judge just by the physical aspect. And for most people it does take a few years for things to work like clockwork.
I think we’re so scared of people having premarital sex that we oversell the honeymoon. Let’s talk about sex as a decades long fun research project, not a “one night entry into bliss”. Seriously.
9. Sex is like Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will eventually go wrong.

And here’s why we need to see it as a decades-long thing: anything that can go wrong will. Once you finally get it working like clockwork you’ll get pregnant and start puking. Or you’ll hit perimenopause and your hormones will go out of whack. Or he’ll get stressed and lose his libido. Or he’ll start getting erectile dysfunction.
Sex may be the most intimate thing we can do, but we do it with our bodies. And when things affect our bodies, they’re going to affect sex too. That’s one reason God made marriage: so that when things do go wrong, we’ll stick together long enough for them to go right again!
So don’t worry when things take a turn for the worse. It’s natural. It’s part of growing older together. Just keep talking, and keep those lines of communication open, and be prepared to try to learn new things. We’ve had such health issues the last year that it’s been really discouraging. But it’s brought us closer, too.
10. Sex is like pizza: When it’s good it’s great. When it’s not so good, it’s still pretty good.

I’ve written a lot about spicing things up, and I totally agree with those posts. But do you know what I like best? Sometimes the Old Faithful works without much addition. Sometimes I’m tired, and I say, “come put me to sleep, baby”, and there are no gymnastics. There are no candles. There aren’t multiple positions or anything. And honestly, that’s often what I love most–just being comfortable with each other. I hope that doesn’t make me weird.
There you are–the top 10 things I’d say if I have no filter. Some of those aren’t what I normally say here, but there you go. 

Source: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/03/top-10-things-id-say-about-sex-if-i-had-no-filter/
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Sunday 8 March 2015

8 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had NO Filter (Heaven Help Us All)

This is probably my last post on sex for now or maybe I will post just one more. It has really taken a lot of guts to do this but, hey, I have done it. This post is by J. Parker of hotholyhumorous.com.


Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage started it, by posting 9 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had No Filter. A few others (like Generous Husband) joined in on this concept, and I’ve decided to give it a go as well.

This was a real challenge, though, because I kind of don’t have a filter. (My husband laughed unnecessarily loud when I told him that.) I pretty much say what I think, although I give deep thought to how I say it. So maybe that’s my filter after all.

Anyway, here are eight things I’d say about sex if I said them exactly how they run through my brain — before I pretty them up for my blog.


FOR BOTH WIVES AND HUSBANDS

1. Oh, for heaven’s sake, sex is all over the Bible! When naysayers are critical or appalled at the honest talk on my blog, I wonder if we’re even reading the same Bible. Because I remember trying to read through the Bible with my young children, and I couldn’t get far without a story about sex cropping up here and there. Everything from “Adam knew Eve” to Lot and his lunatic daughters and on and on, the Bible is filled with God telling stories and giving commands about His gift of sexual intimacy and its horrible abuses.

Yes, we need to be kind and gentle and respectful in how we talk about sex, but for heaven’s sake, it’s all over the Bible! Responsible Christian sex authors aren’t addressing anything God didn’t address in His Word.

2. Stop withholding or stop demanding, and stop acting like the other one is the whole problem. Withholders and demanders always have reasons why they’re doing it: “If he would only, then I would __.” “As my wife, she owes me __.” Or whatever. But as long as you are arrogantly certain the problem lies with the other person, nothing will improve.

If you’re demanding, stop that. Even if your spouse is supposed to give you sex, and I agree (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you’re not thus relieved of God’s calling for you to be patient, kind, selfless, etc. See 1 Corinthians 13 — a few chapters later!

And to the withholders — even if your spouse doesn’t understand how tired you are or needy of romance you are or whatever (and yes, they likely should treat you better), that doesn’t mean that you get to erect a wall, post guards, and deny entrance to the garden. When you said I do, part of that was I do sex. (Look it up! It’s in the Bible.)

Yep, if you’re on one of these extremes, you can rationalize all day long but it won’t negate that you are not in line with God’s intention for your marriage and things won’t get better until one of you changes. Since you can’t force your spouse to change, how about you start?

3. Talk to your children about sex — yesterday, today, tomorrow, and on and on until they are good and raised. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, you feel unqualified. Yes, your children might buck you at times. But the world will be sending erroneous messages to your child almost 24/7 from the moment they can read the magazine cover in the grocery store line. It’s your God-given responsibility to get over the awkwardness and give your child the truth about sexual intimacy.

By toddlerhood, we parents have been peed on, vomited on, and who knows what else. Face it: We signed up for difficult and awkward! Come on, I believe in you. Step up and talk to your children about sex — now, and again and again.

FOR THE WIVES

4. Relax already! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts. If you tense every time like you’re getting a pelvic exam, it’s no wonder you don’t like sex. You’ve got to relax to enjoy this intimate experience with your husband! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts, where your most arouse-able areas get extra-stimulated and pampered. Lean into the interesting sensations like you would a fabulous massage or a relaxing pedicure.

If you practice relaxing and focusing on how you feel in those moments, you might find your body is capable of some super-neat sensations. And your husband has nice skills — especially once you hint or tell him where you like to be touched. Stop thinking about how you look, or what someone else would think, or if the kids will walk in (you locked the door, right?), or whatever. Relax!

5. Get into it. Flirt. Tease. Move. Moan. Wouldn’t it stink to go out dancing and have your husband merely shuffle his feet through the tango (or Texas two-step where I live)? Likewise, it ain’t enough to show up and offer your body like it’s a big sacrificial gesture. Don’t merely go through the motions. It doesn’t make you embarrassing or sleazy to really get into it.

Own your sexuality! Flirt with your husband. Tease and touch him. Move around as you make love. Moan and scream. Let loose and you might find you enjoy it more! He’ll really like it too. Trust me on that.

6. So what if the kids hear! You think that‘s what will cause them to seek therapy? Sure, I’ve probably done something as a mom for which my kids could seek therapy someday — some mistake on my part a few counseling sessions would help. But I’m fairly certain that moment your kids realize their parents have sex won’t ruin them or cause Freud to sit up in his coffin and shout, “Told you so!” Kids are more resilient than that!

Even if your children do hear or (heaven forbid) walk in, They. Will. Be. Okay. It’s actually good for children to know their parents make love and that sexual intimacy is a gift from God to marriage. So stop worrying so much. Of course you should lock the door, tuck away your intimacy aids, and hold off having naked Twister in the living room until they’re gone, but if they hear? Hey, that’s just what loving mommies and daddies do.

FOR THE HUSBANDS

7. She’s never had an orgasm? What are you doing wrong?! To be fair, there is a percentage of wives who have major issues reaching orgasm, and it has nothing to do with their husbands. But honestly, there’s a contingent of men out there who haven’t made this the patient priority they should.

Look, I know it’s annoying you can get there in five minutes and she takes forty. But she will like sex more when you help her find that real climax. And orgasms beget orgasms, so even if you have to spend a lot of time at first helping her figure out what gets her aroused and learning what you can do to stimulate her, it will pay off in the long run. That first orgasm is often the hardest to reach.

Now don’t worry if she doesn’t orgasm every single time (sometimes, some wives don’t even want to that much), but please make it a priority for her to reach climax fairly regularly. You’ll both be happier if you can figure this out.

8. Were you raised by wolves? You can’t just sniff her out, honk a breast, and think you’re getting some tonight. You are not an animal, you’re a real man. That means you woo your woman. You didn’t just catch her and drag her back to your den years ago and now the chase is over. Nope. You’ll be pursuing her for the rest of your life.

Tuck that away in your brain and figure out how to make her feel so loved and desired and valued and appreciated and beautiful . . . that making love to you sounds like a dream come true. Take your time: Show her your romantic side, touch and kiss just for the sake of it, pay attention to the areas of her body that are not erogenous zones, and treat her like the “weaker sex” (1 Peter 3:7). That verse doesn’t mean she’s actually weak, but rather Handle With Care.

Oh, and help her deal with those distractions that keep her from focusing on the two of you. In summation, no honking a breast and make her feel blessed.

That’s it! Eight things I’d say if I had no filter. Which, heaven help us all, I’ve now said.

Source: http://hotholyhumorous.com/2015/02/8-things-id-say-about-sex-if-i-had-no-filter-heaven-help-us-all/
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Saturday 7 March 2015

Filter Down! (What I Really Think About Sex)

This post is by Paul Byerly who writes his views at the generoushusband.com. In this post, he writes about what he would really like to say about if he had no inhibitions. This is in a response ti the challenge thrown at him by Julie Sibert of intimacyinmarriage.com.

Filter Down! (What I Really Think About Sex)

1. The Church has totally blown it on sex.
We abdicated our right calling to talk about sex as God sees it, making way for the world to come in with all its garbage. In the 70’s and 80’s many Christian couples went to the world for help with sex because the church refused to discuss it. Christian publishing companies full on censored Christian authors about sex. Way to point away from God!
While things are better today, we still have a long way to go. Christian couples should be having amazing sex, and plenty of it. Most couples are too inhibited to experience what God wants for us, and the church needs to deal with that. Sex is neither a minor nor an optional part of marriage, and treating it as such hurts marriages. We need the pastor’s wife doing a how-to-blow-your-husband’s-mind class for women, while the pastor is doing something similar for the husbands. If they won’t do it, they need to find someone who will (and they need to attend!).
2. I think sexually refusing a spouse is one of the cruellest things a spouse can possibly do.
I see it as emotionally abusive. I understand how it attacks the worth and dignity of the one refused, and it pains me no end. I also know how it undermines the marriage, and given how I feel about marriage, this makes it a crime in my mind.
I understand there are real reasons people have difficulty with sex. I’m all for giving people the time and help they need to work through things, but that means they must actually work on it. Refusing to try seems unbelievably selfish to me.  
3. I don’t understand people who choose their own hand over their spouse.
I figure they have never had the kind of sex I’ve had with my wife, because if they had they would have no use for their own hand. It’s like eating grubs: if it’s grubs or starve, then yeah, you eat them. If it’s grubs or wait till tomorrow for real food, I’m waiting.
I suspect choosing masturbation over spouse is about pride, fear, inability to connect, or some other physiological or relational issue.
4. Expecting teens to go for a decade or more with a full adult sex drive and do nothing about it is insane.
How many 30 year olds could to this? And thirty year olds have more self-control and less of a sex drive. About 99.9% of teen boys, and almost as many teen girls, are going to do something to get sexual release. There are three possibilities 1) Get married young, 2) Fornicate, 3) Masturbate. Thinking anyone is going to make it through college without doing any of those shows a failure to deal with reality. Parents should pick which of those three they think is acceptable teach their kids about it.
5. Looking at porn is about as clever as beating on your penis with a hammer. And almost as destructive to your sex life.
Yeah, I’m down on porn. I understand the draw, but I also understand what it does to us, to our wives, to our marriages, to our sex lives, and to our relationship with God. Clearly, this message is not getting through, since half the men in church and almost a quarter of the women are choosing to look at porn. The momentary thrill is nice, but the long-term problems are not.
As for those who say men only look at porn because their wives say no, I say WRONG! Most men come into marriage with a long-standing porn habit. They never gave their wife a chance, and the porn has changed them so they are unable to enjoy sex with their wife as they should. Besides, blaming porn use on your wife saying no is like blaming her for you picking up the hammer…
6. Adultery does not happen when a couple has a solid marriage.
Yes, that includes a great sex life, but it goes way beyond sex. A great marriage means a deep relationship with the ability to talk about anything and everything. It means sharing your entire life, including your dreams, feelings, failures, and fears. Most of us are too scared to open up as we should and it keeps us from having the kind of marriage God wants us to have. This, not sex, is what opens us up to adultery.
You don’t prevent adultery by having so much sex with your spouse you can’t do it with anyone else. The real barrier to adultery is having such a deep connection to your spouse you would sooner jump in front of a truck than be sexual with anyone else.
I am convinced adultery is almost never about sex, and this is true for both men and women. However, telling ourselves it’s about sex makes us feel better somehow, so we keep telling the lie.
7. I can discuss sex with anyone any time.
I’ve developed a good feel for this, and almost never push people past their limits. I don’t chase people down to talk about sex, but often they chase me down. Once people know what we do, we become a safe place to ask questions they can’t ask anywhere else, and discuss things they can’t discuss with anyone else.
8. It drives me nuts when people say something is sin if the Bible says absolutely nothing about it. 
If they want to share what they think and why, fine. If they want to share why they don’t do something and why, fine. If they want to tell people it’s sin when the Bible is silent, I call foul.
I say this as a former offender. I decided certain things were wrong, and I twisted the Bible to support what I wanted the truth to be. I’m deeply sorry I did this, and I’m grateful I was not teaching about sex and marriage at the time.
As a reformed legalist, I’d rather err on the side of grace than legalism. I’m not for any error, but I find grace less crippling than legalism. Legalism does not prevent sin, it only drives it underground.
9, I think the kind of sex God intended us to have goes beyond anything we can imagine.
I hope there are a few couples out there who have found what God intended (if so, send me a clue), but I’m not sure. I’ve had awesome sex with my wife, and it keeps getting better, but at the rate we’re going I’m going to have to live another fifty years to get to what I think God wants sex to be. There are just so many lies, fears, and inhibitions to overcome.

Source: http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2015/02/07/filters-down/
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Friday 6 March 2015

9 Things I Would Say About Sex if I Had No Filter

Writing about sex is not something one can do in this part of the world without having to think about the backlash it may cause for one, especially if you are a born again Christian. Talking about sex in the Christianity circle is a big deal, and rightly so because we believe sex should not be regarded lightly but should be hallowed and discussed in the context of marriage. But even at that, you rarely find people addressing the issue of sex. And I'm very sure many homes are battling with different sex issues. I am not writing about sex yet (that may come much later) but I will be posting some articles by some Christian marriage and sex counsellors that I find interesting. I read many of such writings and I have been blessed through them. I usually confirm that the writers are Christians and that's really important. This will give me the assurance that whatever they say has a biblical basis, maybe not all the time. So today, I will be publishing a post by Julie Sibert who writes her views at http://intimacyinmarriage.com. In this post, she talks about 9 things she would like to say if she had no filter. Obviously this post is more for married people than singles.

9 Things I Would Say About Sex if I Had No Filter

1.  I read Cosmopolitan at my hairstylist's shop.

I admit it.  I want to know if there are 25 ways to rock my husband's world tonight.  Sadly, I never learn anything new.

2.  I grow weary of people who  are unwilling to do their part in nurturing sex in their marriage. 

I know that some marriages are wrought with sexual difficulties that require a lot of work to overcome. Infidelity. Past sexual abuse. Betrayal upon betrayal.

But.

In most marriages where sex is a struggle, one or both people just need to grow up and start mutually paying attention to their sexual intimacy.  And if there are those big problems I just mentioned? Those are not insurmountable either.

There is no magic solution that can solve these struggles for you.

If you don't like sex, you have to put in the effort to figuring out why. If you are doing things to sabotage or destroy intimacy, stop it.

Don't just "wait for things to change."  Waiting for things to change, or worse… denying there is even a problem… will undoubtedly take you directly (and ironically) to what you don't want -- a crappy marriage.

If you have let unhealthy sexual patterns settle into your marriage (no sex, obligatory sex, going-through-the-motions sex), I'm not gonna lie -- digging yourself out of that mess may feel cumbersome. BUT, it is so worth it!!

Sadly, some people are just unwilling to do the necessary and life-changing work, even for the sake of their marriage.  Heartbreaking.

Even more depressing are the marriages where one person IS trying. And the other person couldn't care less.

3. Too many churches (nearly all) have been tragically silent on the topic of sex.

Difficulties with sexual intimacy are a huge issue in many marriages.

Why are we not having more in-depth discussion and teaching about not only what the Bible says about sex, but also about the more common sexual struggles in marriage?

Everyone seems all enthused about bashing males and the use of pornography, but few people seem equally motivated to hold accountable Christians who are sexually refusing their spouse or being manipulative sexually.   Pornography is sinful, yes.  So is sexual refusal and sexual manipulation.

Sometimes sexual sin issues are intertwined and sometimes they are not.  At any rate, there is much opportunity for churches to authentically speak into the struggles.

We as a body of believers have collectively become lackadaisical about the wide spectrum of sexual issues plaguing marriages.  And, at the same time, we have not given enough voice to encouraging married couples to enjoy sex and have it often.

Something has got to give. This silence on sex is not helping anyone.  I've written about this before in a post that not surprisingly got a lot of traffic:  5 Reasons the Church Won't Talk More Authentically About Sex.

4.  I have wrestled a lot -- and I mean, a lot -- with whether sexual refusal is grounds for divorce.

And by "sexual refusal" I don't mean struggles about frequency (which is really the core of so many couples' sexual battles).

No, I'm not talking about couples digging their heels in on whether once a week or once a month is enough sex. And obviously I'm not talking about when there is no sex because of such things as illness, injury, physical separation due to work or military deployment, ongoing unrepentant adultery, etc.

By "sexual refusal," what I mean is outright refusal for literally years with no reasonable reason as to why.

I don't have all my thoughts and feelings sorted out about if and when separation and divorce seem like viable solutions when sexual refusal has become the steadfast standard in a marriage. But when I do, I will write a post.

Suffice to say, though, I do think blatant and on-going sexual refusal is a form of emotional abuse, and … well… God isn't too crazy about abuse.  He longs for us to acknowledge it, address it and hold people accountable.

5.  It is lazy and careless parenting to not have on-going and age appropriate talks about sex with your kids.

I'm not saying you are a horrible parent all the way around.

What I AM saying is that if you aren't having on-going age appropriate conversations with your kids about sexual intimacy, then you are being careless in this area.

If you are waiting for just the right moment to have these conversations with your kids -- yet you never seem to find that moment -- I've got some humbling news for you.  The right moment is now.

You need to get over yourself and start talking.

And by talking, I don't mean reducing it all to a one-time "talk." That's not much better than saying nothing at all.

There are countless adults who have made a mess of sexual intimacy in their lives in part because their parents did not muster the courage and resolve to speak often and specifically about God's design for sex.

And if the only thing you are telling your pre-teen and teen children is "don't have sex" or "sex is wrong," then you are doing them a tremendous disservice.

The simplistic "don't have sex" message is incredibly short-sighted if it doesn't offer up healthy discussion about why premarital sex is not a good idea.  It's not just about unplanned pregnancies and STDs.  It also is about knitting your soul together with another person (who likely won't be your spouse).

It's about trying to handle the emotional idiosyncrasies of something that single people (particularly mere kiddos) do not have the maturity to handle.

While you are exploring with your kids the reasons sex outside of marriage is not a good idea, you owe it to them to also give them a balanced view.  We tend to overemphasize "just don't have sex," but then we say nothing about how great sex is in marriage.

We make a big deal over purity rings and abstinence pledges, but say little about why sex feels so incredible with the person you love and with whom you share a covenant relationship.

I can already hear some of you saying, "Well, I can't tell them sex in marriage is great, because sex in my marriage sucks."

Sounds like this is your wake up call. To seek health and healing in your own sexual intimacy.

And to equip your kids to appreciate sex in their marriage some day.

For more on this, check out The Five Secrets to Talking to Your Kids About Sex and 10 Worst Mistakes You Can Make When Talking to Your Kids About Sex.

6.  I really want to ask everyone about their sexual intimacy.

I usually have good discernment about this, because duh -- I can't ask random strangers at Target about their sexual intimacy.  I just can't. And I probably shouldn't haphazardly bring up the topic with my neighbors either.

My friends (and even a few acquaintances) are a different ball game.  And most of them know that at some point, I'm probably going to steer the conversation toward sex.  Not because I want to know intimate details, but more so because I care greatly about this area of marriage.

I know that when two people in a marriage could and should be having sex and both enjoying it, but aren't -- it's likely impacting the rest of the marriage as well.  My heart is always to challenge people to look closely at this area of their marriage.

7.  Ladies, invest in a good bra.

I know. This seems like a random comment.  But stick with me here.

You may think I'm singing the praises of a good bra simply because of how it makes your breasts look (which a good bra will do, by the way), but I'm also encouraging you to feel comfortable and confident with your femininity.

Plus, it is a kind wifely thing to do to be sensitive to the fact that your husband likely is interested in looking at your breasts (whether your clothes are on or off).

Bras (like high heels) are not the most comfortable contraptions.  But if you invest in a good one, you may find it to be more comfortable than you thought possible.  I recommend the brand Soma (and they didn't even pay me to say that). Fabulous bras.

There's just a lot to be said for wearing a decent bra.  Money. Well. Spent.

8.  I'm a horrible recycler.

I know.  This has NOTHING to do with sex.

But I have been harboring stupid guilt about this for too long and had to confess. Seriously. I only recycle if it is somewhat convenient for me.  I'm trying to be better, though, so keep that in mind before you flee me completely in pursuit of a more eco-friendly sex blogger.  I. am. trying.

9. Married Christians generally are too sexually inhibited.

If you are giving even a passing glance to movies, TV and other entertainment, you will find some common themes regarding sex...

Sex among singles is painted as exciting, adventurous, fun, amazing and thrilling. Sex within marriage is painted as boring, obligatory and nearly non-existent.

Why. Is. That?

In subtle and not-so-subtle ways, we have been bombarded with this idea that all the great sex is happening outside of marriage.

And that's just plain sad. The potential for the best sex is in marriage, because it is the only place where God is thrilled with your sexual oneness!

I think some married Christians are afraid to really enjoy sex.  Or they have not learned how to enjoy it.

Or maybe they equate sexual pleasure with sin.  Or possibly they have believed the lie that the only way to have sex is missionary position, in the bedroom, with the lights out. God forbid anyone utter a sound of ecstasy.

Many married Christians need to simply lighten up and enjoy making love with the person they married.

Sexual pleasure and sexual connection between a husband and wife was God's idea.  Orgasm was God's idea.  Orgasm is such an incredible experience, right?!  And God designed it.  If ever we wondered about His generosity, we married folk need to look no further than orgasm. I have entire page on my site with posts about orgasm, in case you are interested.

People often ask me what is "okay" Biblically to do sexually.

The rules are really rather simple, in my opinion:

(1) Exclusivity (no third parties… no sex with anyone other than your spouse, no one else watching the two of you have sex, no pornography and no fantasizing about people other than your spouse) AND...

(2) Neither you nor your spouse are getting hurt (physically, emotionally, spiritually).

In other words, you have a lot of freedom within the safe exclusivity of your marriage to thoroughly enjoy and explore sexual intimacy.

Want to try different positions? Great!  Want to wear sexy lingerie?  Go for it! Want to give and receive oral sex? Have fun! Want to tell each other exactly what you want to do to one another sexually?  Revel in it!

If you've ever heard that saying (or some version of it)… he wants a lady on the street and a freak in bed…  I think that is not too far off.  And by freak, all I mean is sexually uninhibited, interested in sex, enthusiastic about pleasing her husband sexually, passionate about enjoying her own sexual pleasure.

I believe we would be a happier and more authentic body of believers if we took to heart what the gift of sex is to a marriage.

If we lived the gift and embraced it, rather than downplay it, we could more genuinely profess Christ and allow our lives to be an example of pursuing holiness for His namesake.

I'm just sayin.  Just keeping it real.

There you have it.  9 things I would say about sex if I had no filter.

Aren't you glad I have a filter?

Source: http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2015/01/19/9-things-i-would-say-about-sex-if-i-had-no-filter/

P.S. I may publish other posts by other writers on this same topic.

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